Making a Good Repair
content adapted from Martha Kauppi
Let’s face it, we are going to mess up. We are flawed relational beings who in low moments say and do things we regret. Our partners are especially susceptible to our flaws and are often present in our lowest moments. In our stress, pain and attachment traumas we can hurt those most precious to us.
We all have enduring vulnerabilities (often developed from childhood) and part of being a good relational being is becoming aware of our partner’s vulnerable spots and learning to be sensitive and aware of them. Even if we did not intentionally cause harm, understanding the impact our words and actions have on them is a highly valuable skill in long lasting relationships. Intent does not equal impact.
Making a good repair is much more than saying “I’m sorry” or apologizing; it involves getting a deep understanding of our partner’s experience of a particular situation that they found hurtful: as well as, providing reflective listening, empathy and validation for those hurts. The following are steps you might consider with making a repair attempt with your partner when something you’ve said or done has caused them harm.
BEFOREHAND
Check in with your partner regarding when might be a good time to revisit a regrettable incident. Let your partner know the goal of the conversation is to make a repair from your end.
Make sure you and your partner are not Hungry, Anxious, Late/Lazy, or Tired (HALT).
Make sure you are in a headspace to put aside your feelings and perspectives AND listen to your partner’s thoughts, perspectives, feelings and translations of the incident.
This conversation may cause you discomfort. Be open to hearing about your flaws while still knowing you are a valuable person who at times makes mistakes and is doing the best they can with the resources they have.
Trust the process. Although these conversations are difficult they can bring peace and resolution to a tension point in your relationship.
DURING
Get curious about your partner’s experience. Consider asking your partner the following questions and provide reflective listening as they answer (So what I heard you say was _______, did I get that right?)
What hurt you?
What was hard?
What feelings do you have about this situation?
Tell me about your perspective.
What translations, narratives or meanings did you make from this experience?
What is your greatest fear/worry/concern here?
Do any of these feelings and pains relate to your background history or childhood in any way? (this is getting at attachment traumas and enduring vulnerabilities)
How would you have preferred I handled this situation? & please tell me why that is important to you?
Make sure you are able to reflect back your partner’s perspective to your partner’s satisfaction before moving on.
EMPATHIZE: “I imagine you feel/felt ________” Its okay to use the feeling words they have already provided, as well as adding some of your own guesses and emotional emphasis. Don’t worry they will correct you if you guessed wrong ; )
VALIDATE: “It makes sense to me that you thought and felt the way you did about this situation (and tell them why it makes sense to you)”
APOLOGIZE: Explain to your partner why you feel sorry. Continue to focus the attention on your partner and resist the urge to explain from your perspective here.
PLAN AHEAD
Explain what you plan to do differently in the future (if anything). Think this through carefully before making any promises you cannot keep. It might sound like “I made a mistake. Now I know how to handle this situation this way…” or “I understand more from your perspective how these words or this situation was painful and I will do my best to avoid them in the future by doing this…”
You might identify what specifically you would do differently.
You might explain how you understand things differently.
You might take responsibility for your actions, words or behaviors.
You might identify a way you can avoid this situation from happening again.
You might identify emotions that made the situation more likely to happen (your boredom, anxiety, anger, dissatisfaction, inadequacy, insecurities or depression) and how you plan to handle these emotions differently in the future.
ACKNOWLEDGE
If this is a recurring issue/argument, a deep ongoing pain point or major issue in your relationship…
You might acknowledge the fact that your partner may be skeptical of things changing or there being a full repair made by you at this point.
You might acknowledge that there is broken trust and it will likely take time for your partner to believe you are going to change and are truly sorry.
You might acknowledge that what you are asking from your partner (an opportunity to rebuild trust and repair) is a big ask of them.