5 Ideas to Increase Erotic Fulfillment
Although humans are complex and erotic enjoyment is equally complicated, there are a handful of categories many folks can focus their efforts on to increase their sexual fulfillment.
Listen to your body
Many of us, at different points of our lives, for various reasons (trauma, anxiety, overwhelm, stress, cultural/religious factors etc) lose sight of our ability to listen to our bodies. Embodiment is the key to fully experiencing physical sensations and erogenous pleasure. Grounding ourselves in the present moment, whether with making our bodies a safe, inhabitable space or slowing down a fast paced life, will increase our access to erotic enjoyment.
For ways to make your body safer after trauma, the book Becoming Safely Embodied might be helpful. For mindful practices to increase embodiment when engaging yourself or others sexually, the book Good Sex: Getting Off Without Checking Out is recommended.
Talk to your partner (and yourself!)
Unfortunately, many cultural and religious influences have impacted our comfort and mastery with sexual discorse. Talking openly, inquisitively and compassionately in a judgement-free space is the doorway to new, more and deeper levels of sexual intimacy with ourselves and our partners. Too many times, for too many reasons, we’ve been discouraged from talking openly about our sexual desires and inquiring (with ourselves and) our partners about theirs. All who desire to experience eroticism with themselves and other consenting adults deserve to. Our underdeveloped differentiation on the topic of sex is stunting our ability to enjoy all life’s pleasures to their fullest.
Be willing to take risks and share your fantasies, preferences and desires with your partner. Be open and inquisitive about your partners’, as well. Also, be intentional/inquisitive with your partner regarding what parts of their bodies they may not want to be touched. Be sensitive and boundaried with categories of sexual conversations that deserve privacy (past sexual experiences or traumas), while still having frank conversations about practicing safer sex and protecting each other’s sexual health.
Diversity is the spice of life; it is okay if you find you and your partner have different sexual likes/dislikes. There is enough eroticism and human creativity to find collaborative overlaps of sexuality. As Martha Kauppi (certified sex therapist and supervisor) states, sex is one way adults play. Be willing to learn more and new ways you might want to play erotically and be open to hearing your partner’s ideas too.
Accept your body the way it is
Our f-d up/outdated cultural messages of what it means and does not mean to be sexy has impacted us all in damaging ways, stealing our erotic enjoyment from us. Fatphobia, body shame, purity culture, ageism, transphobia, homophobia (and more) have put shame and fear between us and our enjoyment of our bodies. Self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-love and shame resilience are our doorways to more and more pleasure. Life is short and can be very painful, at times. Give yourself permission to deconstruct those harmful cultural messages and to allow yourself to enjoy the body mother nature gave you and all this life’s possible pleasures with it.
When you don’t want sex, don’t have it (especially if pain is present!!)
Going along with an erotic experience that you do not enjoy or want, or one that causes you physical and/or emotional pain, will only lead to more disconnection from your body, your partner and increase the likelihood of future sex issues. If penetrative sex causes you pain, there are so many other erotic and orgasmic ways to self and partner pleasure. If the pain is physical, consider consulting a certified sex therapist, physician and/or pelvic floor specialist (or all three) to help you figure out what might be causing the pain.
If the pain is emotional, consider seeing a trauma-informed counselor (if you identify with a trauma background) or a sex-positive relationship therapist if there are emotional disconnects in your partnership. For demisexuals, emotional safety and a deep emotional bond is a pre-requisite to sexual intimacy. If this is your erotic wiring, acknowledging that the way you feel in your partnership matters and has a direct impact on your erotic accessibility will help you and your partner better problem solve potential desire discrepancies.
Accept that Desire Discrepancies are very common and apart of being in an ever-evolving and deeply loving partnership
Every couple experiences some level of desire discrepancy. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting more or less sex than your partner. It just is. Shaming ourselves or our partner for having a difference of libido will only lead to less intimacy overall (intimacy with ourselves and our partner). Acknowledging that both partners likely want to receive and give love, and that might look like different things to different people at different points in life, brings a judgment-free zone that welcomes creative and collaborative ideas for affection and connection in the relationship. Accepting the fact that neither partner will be 100% happy or always be on the same page erotically, will likely ease tension and pressure, which could open up more creative problem solving on how to honor each partners’ desires.