Creating a Secure Attachment with your Partner(s)
After a vast review of research and literature by relationship experts, psychotherapist Jessica Fern (author of Polysecure), indicates 5 ways we can cultivate a secure attachment with our partners. She uses the acronym HEART to list the specific ways to create a safe haven and a secure base within our our most precious bonds:
H: Here (being here and present with me)
E: Expressed Delight
A: Attunement
R: Rituals & Routines
T: Turning Towards after Conflict
Based on Fern’s attachment suggestions, with additional pointers from relationship experts John & Julie Gottman, the following is a breakdown of 5 ways we can create a secure attachments with our partners using HEART.
HERE & PRESENT
Being here and present is the act of giving our partners our full attention. When we put distractions aside, make eye contact, and truly listen to our partners the message is profound:
I see you.
What you have to say is important to me.
You are valid.
You are worthy of my undivided attention.
The impact is profound. The receiver of this type of undivided attention feels loved, valued, appreciated and seen. They feel attached, safe and respected by the attention giver.
Tips for being HERE & PRESENT:
Prioritize regular time with your partner where you are undistracted, here and present with them.
Create a sense of presence through mindfulness and intention.
Put your phone and smartwatch away.
Discuss realistic length and frequency of here time with your partner, communicate any restrictions that might come up and when you cannot be available to them.
EXPRESSED DELIGHT
Communicating to our partner the unique things about them that make them valuable to us increases a sense of reassurance. Not necessarily what they do or have accomplished, but communicating what we appreciate about them as a person. When expressing gratitude and enjoyment of our partners we cultivate an authentic, mutually vulnerable and joyful relationship. We can communicate expressed delight through our words, actions and eyes.
Tips for EXPRESSING DELIGHT:
Let your partner know in spoken or written word how they enrich your life.
Let your partner know how unique and special they are to you.
Let your partner know the positive impact their actions and behaviors have on you.
After spending time with your partner, let them know what you appreciated about that time together and the positive impact it had on you.
ATTUNEMENT.
Attachment bonds are emotional bonds. Attuning to our partners means empathizing with their various emotional states and communicating understanding. There is nothing more powerful than to hear “you make sense” from our partners when we are in emotional distress. It is equally important to celebrate our partners’ accomplishments and allow them to feel our pride and pleasure in them during commemorative moments (more on this in Rituals & Routines next).
Tips for ATTUNEMENT:
Listen empathetically to your partner, reflect back how you might imagine they are feeling (don’t worry they will correct you if you didn’t guess correctly :)).
When listening with attunement, postpone giving advice or problem solving.
Track the events of your partners’ week and follow up with them regarding particular events; for example: “How did your work presentation go yesterday?”.
Show genuine interest in your partner by asking open-ended questions that allow them to explore their feelings and thoughts about situations versus simply reporting the outcome of events.
RITUALS & ROUTINES
Rituals of connection are relational events we can look forward to. They are planned points of connection that anchor us in reassurance that we have a moment of time to connect with those most important to us. For example… each Sunday morning my family makes & eats pancakes, each Friday evening my nesting partner and I have a date night, and each New Years Eve my family celebrates by watching a homemade video of highlights of the last year. A ritual for saying good morning, goodbye, hello and good night each day is particularly bonding.
Tips for RITUALS OF CONNECTION:
Discuss with your partner their preferred daily way to separate and reunite. Creating a ritual of connection for our comings and goings indicates to our partners they are valuable, they are a priority, we will miss them and are happy to see them when reunited.
Discuss what rituals you already have in place that make you feel loved and valued by your partner. Find out what rituals do the same for your partner.
Identify the ways you both like to celebrate and to be celebrated when it comes to annual events, such as birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries.
Discuss any relationship rites of passages that could be more deeply celebrated and identify meaningful ways to celebrate those.
TURNING TOWARDS AFTER CONFLICT
In their 40 years of relationship research, the Gottman's found that a key factor in long lasting love is a couple’s ability to repair after a conflict. They also found that the couples that turn towards each other’s bids for connection at least 86% of the time demonstrate unbreakable bonds. Conflict is inevitable, what is important is repairing after we experience a regrettable incident. A repair attempt can also take place during a conflict in order to de-escalate the tension. Gottman describes a repair attempt as any verbal or physical action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. For some couples, well-timed self-deprecating humor works great. For others, physical touch like a hug or hand squeeze helps to ease the tension. Taking responsibility for your part in the argument can also pave a way to repairing and reconnection.
Tips for TURNING TOWARDS:
Learn what an emotional bid for connection is and the three types of responses in my blog A Small Change That Can Have a Big Impact on Your Relationship.
Do not be afraid to take a time out from a heated discussion. Let your partner know you need a moment to collect yourself and you will come back to the conversation when grounded. Take at least a 30 minute break from conflict to physiologically self-soothe; however, reconnect within 24 hours. Centering ourselves is an important step in getting to a place of resolution and intimacy with our partners.
Under every complaint is an unmet desire. The more we can get to the root of our hidden desires in a conflict discussion and communicate those with a positive request (without a description or complaint of our partners), the better our partners can hear our perspective without getting defensive. When inviting our partners to see our desires with an “I” statement, the more likely they will come closer to us, increasing a sense connection.
If you find yourself stuck in a recurring conflict, consider asking one another the open-ended questions in this Perpetual Problem blog to better understand the dream or value underneath your position on the issue. Oftentimes couples get stuck in conflict because they have a core value under their position that has not been fully expressed.